I’m Bored so I’ll pretend I’ve been taking notice of you.

It seems I have given you all the wrong impression.  My Blogs so far have been about sex, weirdo’s, porn and the most offensive of all… Liberalism.

This as led people to believe that my only interest in life is to annoy people.  You are wrong.  My other interests include Vodka, Tobacco and Socks.  Well to be honest socks is a little fib, I thought having just two other interests made me sound boring so I thought socks would flesh it out a bit.  More or less in the same way that people add water to teabags to make the whole tea consuming experience last longer. Tight bastards.

Well from now on I promise not to mention Dogging, Porn, Fetishes, Weirdo’s in drag, gays, lesbians, milkmen, sheep, tramps on buses and their passengers, sex toys, bishops and the biggest F****R of them all Margaret Thatcher for at least a week.  However, I have no honour and am unlikely to keep the promise, but then again that could be a little fib too.

Now for the really serious bit, the bit I shall write with absolute insincerity… I’m very, very sorry to all the Chinese people for implying in my last blog that they are all a big bunch of net pervs.  Now please stop bugging me with your protestations of good clean honest living, I honestly don’t care.  I’m not on a moral crusade, if you want to spend your period of economic boom time sat at a computer playing pocket billiards that’s ok by me… I’ve even got some pictures of normal people in my photo section for you to mentally undress.  Be careful of the guy with the tattoo though, rumour as it he’s too hot in bed for you porn addicted virgins.  (Note: would all Chinese people wishing to complain please email me in English this time, I’m very sorry but I don’t speak Noughts and crosses)

I must now address the issue of Liberalism.  This is the paragraph I will find most difficulty in writing.  Just how the hell do I attempt so much as a fake apology at such a set of soft, deluded, pompous pricks?  Don’t misunderstand me, I honestly believe liberal attitudes are admirable (and I mean it this time).  The ordinary average person who believes in ‘live and let live’ and the open minded tolerance that governs their behaviour makes life easier for us all.  The ‘liberals’ I write about are the liberal fascists, the people who just cant stop meddling, the ones who always smugly tell us the difference between right and wrong, the ones that selfishly inflict upon us their own lifestyles and beliefs and, should we dare to say “sod off Herbert and take your lesbian vegetarian wife with you” we are accused of being a direct descendant of Hitler and heir to the throne of a pile of bricks and a roofless shed somewhere in the Austrian alps.  (Note: A-Level students please be advised that Hitler was a ‘ruthless dictator’ and it was his shed that was a ‘roofless structure’… and while I’ve got your limited attention stop wasting time and tax-payers money, skip university and apply directly to McDonalds, they’re not impressed by a 3^rd class social studies degree as long as you can chop lettuce)

If you think that taking cars off the road will solve the worlds environmental crisis you are too dumb to be allowed out alone.  If you think that criminals are to be understood rather than punished and temporarily removed from the society they have harmed you need to be mugged of your rose tinted glasses.  I could get carried away with this so I’ll just sum up by politely asking that all liberal meddlers stop getting f****d up on cannabis and self righteousness and get a grip of reality.  After all, your only liberal for as long as it’s fashionable and for as long as you can get away with describing yourself as a ‘young professional’… Trust me, the time will come when you have to tell the truth and write ‘trainee clerk’ on your mortgage application form.

I seem to remember somewhere at the beginning of this lot I was meant to be apologising.  Well if truth be told you should never apologise as it’s a very blatant admission of weakness.  So get stuffed.

Bugger, I forgot to mention the Green Party, they’re just so easy to ignore.