Porn, dogging, swingers, lesbian and silf.

Hello perverts, you have found this site by doing an msn search for your peculiar sexual practices.  You switched on your computer and thought ‘hmm what shall I play with myself about tonight.’  

Oh you think we don’t know?  Well, I am slightly retarded and so have only just realised that its possible to see who as visited your site and what they typed into ‘msn search’ in order to find it.  I am slow, so others probably knew it from the start and have been laughing for all of 30 seconds every day at how sad some people are.

Well now I know I’ve decided to provide all you finger shuffle fanatics with something to make you go a little limp.  This blog entry is going to contain not less than 5 sexual activities to get your interest in the search engine and now you are hear I’m going to take the piss and then offer you some practical help with your loneliness.   

Porn.  Seeking porn on the net is just totally inexcusable, you have a passion for watching people with prosthetic penis’s have sex.  I have no idea why some people get a kick out of this but I do know that there are hundreds of sex shops and mail order companies willing to sell you DVDs so why not stop being so tight and just go to the shops and pay for porn when you buy your tissues. 

Dogging.  I can sympathise with you people because I too find car parks and the countryside a little tedious and I can understand your wish to liven up the whole car park experience.  What I do find odd is that not content with having sex in your own car you actually want to have others watching you, you are both smug and egomaniacal about your own sexual performance or you were deprived of praise as a child. (What is dogging etiquette? Should one applaud after a performance or does it depend on quality of delivery? Or does one just zip up and leave?).  What I really don’t understand is why would anyone search for this on the internet surely that’s just net porn and not dogging or are they on their laptops in a car park somewhere… does that count as dogging or net porn? 

Swinging.  My home city of Sheffield as its very own swingers club.  Occasionally I have need to drive past, couples stood waiting for the doors to open look respectable enough and are just out for a bit of fun no doubt.  What puzzles me are all the fat lads at the back of the queue… is this your easiest method for loosing a bit of cream without it being from the wedge end of your cake?  How does swinging work on the internet? Do you swap webcams? Is it all unisex? And if so where are the genitals on my webcam?

Leathers.  Is it the smell? The way the material clings? The way it creeks? Or is it that you’ve always wanted to shag a cow and only have the courage for dead ones?  My only real problem with leather is that it is expensive and not really worth all the money for a quick shag, prostitutes I’m told are cheaper.  So whats the attraction on the net? You cant smell the leather, you cant hear it creek all you can do is watch it cling. Erm yep, clinging leather… fair point, carry on with your internet leather you lucky bastards. 

Silf.  Sheep I’d like to F**k.  Ah well what can I say about this… if you are 14 years old you will grow out of it.  If you are from Derbyshire it’s a matter of county pride that you do it right and raise many little half breeds in your village.

So there you are, 5 things to get the search engines spewing out my site.  If you are an internet pervert and you are upset about what this blog contains, please, please, please remember… I do not care you wan*er. 

If this blog turns you on in anyway then pay me.