Pulling when pissed… aka ‘the last one in the shop’

Imagine u wake up this morning and the tall, gorgeous, European spunkfest of a girl u pulled last night as become a German Gremlin Granny called Gertrude.  My mate was pissed, I hope what follows does not come as too much of a shock to him… 

I for once was sober and was able to fully enjoy the story as it unfolded. You were at the bar when she walked in just before closing time she had luggage with her and had obviously just stepped off the train looking for a bed for the night.  She sat with a pot of coffee and one cup.  She was looking miserable and old, very old.

We sat watching her, her long ginger hair flowing from her head and under her arms and peeking outta the hem of her skirt, the hair between her toes was a darker shade but that was probably the dirt.  She looked special, special like she’d escaped from the laboratory. 

Her skin was an unusual shade of Daz white, speckled with the pox. The pendant hanging from her neck was inscribed ‘use by 01.01.76’ the reverse side inscribed ‘Bio Hazard, do not moisten’.

Her one redeeming feature were her breasts, dangling around the waist once they were pumped up they woulda gained height and bounce and would have been summat to behold and the freckles once joined up would spell ‘Quasimodo was here’. 

Old men, fat men, ugly men and retarded men all walked passed her quickening their step.  It was at this point we got bored of  talking about her (even at the zoo there comes a time when you must move on to the next cage) and it was at this point that you mate returned from the bar… you should have poured that stella down the front of your pants and gone home singing the greatest hits of the Sugababes, it would have been less embarrassing than having to read this blog 2 weeks later.

You’d missed the warnings, you’d had too much to drink, your eyes were sore from cigarette smoke and you couldn’t see properly.  The next day we heard all the excuses, we drove round the block 5 times just to be sure she’d gone before ringing the doorbell and still u say she wasn’t that bad.  Mate, her grand children were older than you. 

Everyone please be warned… If they are still alone at 1 am there is a reason.  Alcohol is no excuse. 

If you think you have a drinking problem give me a ring and we'll go for a pint.