Holidays!!!... Or if you’re one of them free world fascists, Vacations!!!

You spend the long cold winter and spring months waiting for summer, for the British weather to come good, so you can go abroad to experience a hurricane.  We’re in the middle of a heat wave, hotter than some parts of Caribbean no less, so why the hell are so many people flying off on holiday to face disease, tropical storms and killer insects?  

My biggest pet hate about foreign holidays is flying.  You have to be there early, often in the middle of the night and you pay hundreds of pounds for tickets for your family only for some humourless lemon sucking cosmetics advert to tell you your luggage is over weight (not our fault, we told it not to eat cake) then we are told our passports expire in less than 200 years time… “tut tut, not organised are we sir”.  And then the favoured comment from check in staff “have we been drinking sir”… well no, I haven’t yet and I wouldn’t dare to suggest you had either (even though I’m sure they must have been pissed when they applied their make-up).  Once passed check-in you wait and wait and wait until five hours later your delayed flight is ready to board.

I’m not a big, big man so I was a little worried when I stepped on board and the plane tilted to one side and the floor boards creaked but you daren’t show fear, the cabin crew can sense fear a mile high.  These little gay Hitlers are not the kind of people you want to show fear to, they see themselves as the guardians of air propriety, it doesn’t matter that we see them as waiters and waitresses. They are the little grasses that will tell the captain on you if you don’t kiss their ass.  My advice is to bide your time, hold your tongue and when you arrive at your destination you will see them mincing through the airport with their little trolley bags (my gran had one of those for going to the co-op) that’s when you have your revenge… as they step onto the down escalator just kick their trolley to the side and watch the oh so graceful failed models split in two as they scramble to save the duty-free they’d nicked.  (For further tips look out for my new website, www.dentapride.com coming soon) 

So you’re now abroad, ready to experience different cultures, attitudes and cuisine.  You step out of the airport and see signs for coca-cola, MacDonald’s, Irish themed pubs and all you can eat buffets (local menu’s available on request).  Because I’m lazy I’m going to just use Spain as an example… you have saved and planned to get there, your chosen hotel is over subscribed so you are in the basement with Pedro the porter.  Outside you decide it’s too hot and stay in the hotel complex where its air conditioned and all entertainment is free and stars talent show failures from the 1970’s (ever heard of butlins? Try it next year - it’s easier to get too). You also decide to have an ice cube in your coke and so you get a stomach bug which means you end up in the clinic for 5 days shitting sangria into a nurse’s hand. 

We are told the British love to moan.  Maybe that’s the point of foreign holidays, maybe people just love coming home to have something other than sexless marriages to complain to Dear Deirdre about...  We went to Spain, it only rained for 13 out of the 14 days, it was mostly too hot, my husband shagged a tart from Preston then he had some peanuts off the bar and shat for a week, I got burnt and have no skin left, the hotel had a few Germans in it, the locals were perverts who kept looking at me on the nudist beach every time I waved at them.  But on the whole yeah, we did have a lovely time.  

Why not just stay in the UK?  The Channel Islands are lovely for the retired, Cornwall is superb for the hippies, Blackpool and Skegness are great if you have furry dice in your car, Scarborough is nice if you’re working class, Great Yarmouth is perfect if that’s how far your bus pass takes you, Brighton is ideal if your glad to be gay, Scotland welcomes alcoholic people with beards and Wales is the perfect holiday hotspot for immigrants who are accustomed to desolation…The United Kingdom, something for everyone.

Are you wondering where I’m going this year?  As usual I’m not… I have far better things to do with my time.  I shall however be enjoying weekends away in Cornwall and Scarborough.  I guess I’m just a working class hippy.  Oh, and I’m also a hypocrite as I shall be having weekends in Amsterdam and Dublin too. 

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