Nice News!!!

I’m turning over a new leaf.  I’ve been accused of, amongst other things cynicism, intolerance, prejudice, inverted snobbery and most ashamedly of all china baiting.  I have taken on board all the complaints and death threats I have received and decided to be nice and tolerant from now on.  To start my new life I will bring you all the nice news from around the world that occurred in the last week. 

This blog entry was originally entitled ‘Good News’ but while searching for news stories I discovered a Christian magazine of the same name and I wanted a title that could encompass followers of all beliefs and non believers too, cos I’m nice like that now.  However, I do deeply regret that I could not think of a name that would also be acceptable to Satanists and for this I would like to sincerely apologise and reassure Satanists that I love them too.

Global Warming – Rate of change slows.  

Extensive studies by Philip at the Department of Pollution Control have shown that the Chancellors policy of high vehicle and fuel taxation as started to have a positive effect on global warming.  Phil said “We are delighted to announce that carbon emissions in the UK have dropped by 0.4% since car owners were forced to buy the Belgian battery powered ‘eco-roller chair 1.1 Wind injection 4 series’.”  Meanwhile the Department of Transport revealed that buses now only run 94% empty, an improvement of more than 24 people on last year.  Phil added “Even emissions from power stations dropped as pensioners used less power for heating their homes.”  He also confirmed that departmental expectations are for further decreases over the next 5 years as state pension payments remain static.

Airline Boss – Feed the starving. 

Once again Sir Rich Saint as smiled for charity as he launched yet another publicity drive.  The all round very rich good egg told reporters that all the people in Africa could be saved from starvation if all we ordinary folk would give more to the Saint Foundation.  To help the campaign he pledge that 1p from every £100 spent on ‘Tramp’ products would go to an advertising agent so that half of what is left could be used to pay for television commercials advertising the ‘Help TRAMP in Africa’ campaign.  Tony Blair was not asked for a quote but would probably have said “Aww, isn’t that well fed multi-millionaire a really lovely chap”.  I asked myself for a quote and I said “I admit this paragraph is a complete lie, don’t sue me you big corporate bully”. 

Cash for Honours – System change announced.

Following the scandal of cash for honours the parliamentary ombudsman as announced strict new guidelines for political donations.  From May 1^st political parties will no longer be able to sell honours and the ombudsman as pledged that decency and honesty will from now on always prevail.  “As of May 1^st only those truly deserving of awards shall receive them” said Sir Cecil. Senior Civil Service employees in Whitehall will be exempt from the new rulings following consultation with unions and retirement fund managers.  A government spokesman said “We in the Government wholeheartedly support this rule change; we couldn’t afford so much as a DCM.”   A leading company director is quoted as saying “Oh fuck.  What am I meant to do now, help retarded children or do something with lepers?”

Kyoto Protocol – Bush signs.

President Bush as signed the USA into the Kyoto protocol following a meeting with representatives of the German Green Party on an opportunist visit to Camp David.  Scientists hailed the event as a major step forward in cleansing our planet and a major boost to their funding and promised that their new, bigger houses would be kind to the environment and their research trips to Hawaii would be made by luxury cruise liner for sure and not dirty planes.  After signing the agreement bush said “So when are you gonna deliver my Kyoto?  It does run on petrol, right?  I hope it’s got heated seats.  I want it in blue with a spoiler”.   When asked for a quote Condoleezza Rice shouted into the office intercom “Who let those fuckin crout nutters speak to our fuckin nutter?”  

Finally - François exquis automobile.

Good news for owners of French cars.  According to the latest survey of French patriotic car owners, 100% say that they rate their cars as good for reliability, good for build quality, good for handling and reasonably priced with lots of innovative driver/passenger luxuries as standard.  So, French cars aren’t crap after all.  When asked for a quote, the chairman of the Japanese association of car manufacturers pressed a button on his desk and a robot entered the room and started giggling.

So there you are five items of nice news.  Its the new nice me and nothing to do with me being slightly annoyed that no one as complained to me yet about sarcasm, even though it is one of my ‘5 a day’ and would help me maintain my balanced healthy mind.

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