The swan’s dead, we’re doomed.

So the newspapers are full of it, Bird flu as reached Britain.  What the papers aren’t telling ya is the swan just had a sniffle, it drowned after sneezing and pumping a gallon of water up its ass. 

Or maybe it was bird flu, my point is that very few people have died because of bird flu and they are mainly the eastern Europeans and Asians who have an habit of getting a bit too close to what is not  normally considered a sexual object.  Either that or they are chicken farmers, I’d hate to cast aspersions.

Obviously the first reported case had to be in Scotland,  it’s where Britain trials everything - expect them to be the first to trial the second coming of Christ too and if it works England and Wales will consider reviewing Christian policy after full parliamentary consultation… Blunkett; ‘Let’s bomb the bastard’ … Blair; ‘Nope let’s wait until Bushy gets home from night school and ask him what his papa says.’ 

Erm, anyway back to the point again.  Bird flu isn’t going to kill us all.  If I was a scientist I’d say its all doom and gloom too… it’s good for business - research grants are a nice little earner and drug companies will make a fortune. There is no such thing as an independent expert as everyone as their nose in a trough or their head in the clouds… it is possible to think too much, we have glow in the dark condoms as proof of that.

It’s all feeding the sensationalism of the press.  A scientist says bird flu could cause an avian epidemic across Britain.  Daily Express headline… ‘Millions face death’.  News of the World headline… ‘Virus: Linked to Bin Laden’.  Daily Mail headline… ‘Tories demand action to save our children’.  Sunday Sport headline… ‘See Lindsey’s 38 DD’s inside today’. 

If you think newspapers are informative and an educational resource then you need to get out more.  Newspapers do have a vital role in our society… they entertain us.  They let us know if our neighbours are into bestiality and occasionally they have some cool exposés on dogging sites with full colour maps and photos.

Oh, and if you think you can trust a report because it appears in the ‘quality broadsheets’ then you need to find other uses for your pound coins.  I’m currently developing a ‘quote for the wine bar’ jukebox… its for the gullible and those that think they are well educated because they passed their 11+ and got a degree in sociology from the University of Sunderland. 

Well I’m no expert but I reckon a lack of sex is gonna kill us all, go read the newspapers and shag for England (Scotland will be doing it already). Those without consenting partners should be doing it hand over fist (buying yourself dinner first is optional but don’t forget your glow in the dark gloves).