Counting down to your holidays.

Why tell us?  The personal message text on messenger can be used for many useful purposes but counting down the days to your holiday isn’t really one of them… we’re not really interested. 

There is someone on my msn list who’s been counting down the days to his holiday starting at 50 and I am quite puzzled as to why.  I can imagine it would be useful to give burglars advance notice so they can plan their diary but why do the rest of us need to know this? Is he expecting a tearful send off?  Best he can hope for I’m afraid is that we mug him on his way to the airport and steal the return portion of his ticket.

We currently stand at 25 days notice.  By now he should have his passport and tickets in an envelope marked ‘don’t forget’ and he should be making a start on his packing always making sure that he ticks every single sock off the 5 page ‘To Do’ list.  He will be phoning the taxi firm every Friday to confirm that they still have his booking for the airport and his milkman will be given a note cancelling his order for 2 weeks… “but shhh, don’t let anyone know I’m away.” 

You just know that anyone who keeps a countdown on msn must be the type to do all of the above.  Maybe he enjoys the preparation more than the holiday, maybe he enjoys talking about it more.  The last man I knew to do this spent a fortnight sat at home with the curtains drawn.

So 25 days to go and then a fortnight of ‘on holiday, back in 14/13/12…. days’ because unfortunately he isn’t going to Afghanistan (my god I so wish) and will have full internet access while he’s away. 

I just hope that when the holiday is over we don’t get a countdown to his ex-wife’s brothers mates’ uncles wedding anniversary.  Please mister don’t bother telling us just **** off.

If you wish to make guesses as to whom I’m referring to in this blog then feel free but don’t expect any confirmation.   

Pulling when pissed… aka ‘the last one in the shop’

Imagine u wake up this morning and the tall, gorgeous, European spunkfest of a girl u pulled last night as become a German Gremlin Granny called Gertrude.  My mate was pissed, I hope what follows does not come as too much of a shock to him… 

I for once was sober and was able to fully enjoy the story as it unfolded. You were at the bar when she walked in just before closing time she had luggage with her and had obviously just stepped off the train looking for a bed for the night.  She sat with a pot of coffee and one cup.  She was looking miserable and old, very old.

We sat watching her, her long ginger hair flowing from her head and under her arms and peeking outta the hem of her skirt, the hair between her toes was a darker shade but that was probably the dirt.  She looked special, special like she’d escaped from the laboratory. 

Her skin was an unusual shade of Daz white, speckled with the pox. The pendant hanging from her neck was inscribed ‘use by 01.01.76’ the reverse side inscribed ‘Bio Hazard, do not moisten’.

Her one redeeming feature were her breasts, dangling around the waist once they were pumped up they woulda gained height and bounce and would have been summat to behold and the freckles once joined up would spell ‘Quasimodo was here’. 

Old men, fat men, ugly men and retarded men all walked passed her quickening their step.  It was at this point we got bored of  talking about her (even at the zoo there comes a time when you must move on to the next cage) and it was at this point that you mate returned from the bar… you should have poured that stella down the front of your pants and gone home singing the greatest hits of the Sugababes, it would have been less embarrassing than having to read this blog 2 weeks later.

You’d missed the warnings, you’d had too much to drink, your eyes were sore from cigarette smoke and you couldn’t see properly.  The next day we heard all the excuses, we drove round the block 5 times just to be sure she’d gone before ringing the doorbell and still u say she wasn’t that bad.  Mate, her grand children were older than you. 

Everyone please be warned… If they are still alone at 1 am there is a reason.  Alcohol is no excuse. 

If you think you have a drinking problem give me a ring and we'll go for a pint.